Caring for someone with dementia can feel like the “rules” change every day. One day your loved one is calm, and the next day they’re upset, confused, or refusing help. If that’s you, you’re not doing anything wrong — dementia care is hard, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed.
In Podcast Episode 211 of Healthcare Redefined: Advocating for Aging Adults and Their Families, we sat down with Sheri Fairman, MSW, owner of Dementia Care Solutions and Current of Care, to share real-world dementia tips you can use right away.
Educational note: This blog is for education only and is not medical advice. Every situation is different. Please talk with your healthcare team for guidance that fits your family.
Quick takeaways (if you only read one section)
Sheri’s biggest message is simple, but powerful:
· Behavior is communication. Many dementia behaviors are a sign of an unmet need.
· Curiosity beats correction. When you get curious, you can reduce distress and protect your relationship.
· Your goal isn’t perfection — it’s more “good days.”
Sintra Image: What families don’t understand about dementia
What families often misunderstand about early dementia
Sheri shared that early dementia symptoms are often brushed off as:
· Stress or being overwhelmed
· “Typical aging”
· “Senior moments”
But dementia is a brain disease, and changes can begin years (even decades) before symptoms are obvious. Catching changes earlier can open the door to support sooner.
Start planning early (while your loved one can still tell you what they want)
One of the biggest regrets Sheri hears is: “I wish I would have known this sooner.”
If your loved one is in the early stages, try to include them in planning conversations now. You don’t need to figure out everything in one sitting. Start with gentle questions like:
· “What would you want help with if things get harder later?”
· “What feels most important to you — staying at home, staying independent, having familiar routines?”
· “If you ever needed help with bathing or incontinence care, who would you want involved?”
When families wait too long, they often end up guessing — and that can create stress, guilt, and conflict.
When you feel overwhelmed, it’s a signal to add help
Sheri explained it this way: the more overwhelmed, anxious, or frustrated you feel, the more support you need.
Many caregivers start with informal help:
· Friends, neighbors, church community
· Family members who can run errands
· Someone who can sit with your loved one so you can rest
And then, as dementia progresses, you often need to expand the team. That’s not failure — it’s the reality of a changing disease.
Sintra Image: Create more good days
How to create more “good days” in dementia care
Sheri reminded us of something caregivers don’t hear enough: there can still be joy. A dementia diagnosis can last years. That’s a long time to “wait to die.”
A good day often comes down to two things:
· Communication that reduces distress
· Flexibility from the people with healthy brains
A simple example: fix the small thing
Pam shared a story about a client who loved going out for ice cream. One day, the sundae arrived without nuts — and you could see distress building. Instead of trying to talk her out of it, Pam quietly got a small cup of nuts and solved the problem.
That tiny adjustment protected dignity, prevented escalation, and helped everyone enjoy the outing.
Sintra Image: Routine Anchors Clock on wall coffee on table with floor lamp
Routine helps — but flexibility matters more
Routine can reduce confusion because it helps your loved one know what comes next. Sheri suggested focusing on a few anchors:
· Going to bed around the same time
· Waking up around the same time
But here’s the key: a routine should support the person, not control them. When caregivers push too hard (“You need to eat now because I made breakfast”), it can damage the relationship — and the relationship is the core of care.
Safety vs. control: reduce risk without taking away life
Safety matters, but Sheri cautioned that “safety” can sometimes feel like control.
A helpful way to think about it:
· Some risks are too costly (example: financial scams that drain care funds)
· Other risks can be adjusted without removing independence
Pam shared an example: when a client broke a glass while doing dishes, the family switched to plastic dishes so she could keep doing a meaningful task — with less risk.
Sintra Image: Communication Tips
Communication tip: use reflection (and then pause)
Sheri’s go-to skill is reflection — repeating back what you hear so your loved one feels understood.
Example:
· Loved one: “I want to go home.”
· Caregiver: “You want to go home.” (Then pause.)
That pause matters. It gives space for more clues. Often, “home” represents a need like:
· Rest
· Comfort
· Safety
· Familiarity
· Food or the bathroom
Trying to “prove” they are already home usually adds distress.
Reframe “refusing care”
Sheri also suggested shifting your language:
· Instead of: “They’re refusing care.”
· Try: “They’re choosing not to participate.”
That small change helps you stay curious: What about this feels unsafe, confusing, or controlling to them?
When agitation, wandering, or sundowning shows up: look underneath the label
Words like “sundowning” and “wandering” are umbrella terms. Sheri encouraged caregivers to ask:
· “What unmet need is underneath this behavior?”
For one person, end-of-day distress might be:
· Pain (meds wearing off)
· Hunger
· Needing purpose (“This is when I used to cook dinner or pick up kids”)
If you can spot early cues, you may be able to meet the need before it escalates.
Caregiver burnout: the warning signs (and the truth about timing)
If you find yourself saying:
· “Why are you doing that?”
· “Stop it.”
· “You can’t do that.”
…and part of you knows it isn’t helping, Sheri’s message is clear: you need more support.
She also shared a hard truth: when caregivers ask, “When should I get help?” the answer is often six months ago.
Sintra Image: Siblings discussing cares for parent with dementia
Siblings and caregiving: make it a team sport
Not every sibling will show up the way you want. Sheri encouraged families to focus on what each person can do.
Examples of helpful roles for long-distance siblings:
· Ordering groceries for delivery
· Managing finances or paperwork
· Scheduling appointments
· Being the “listener” you can call after a hard day
Guilt vs. regret: a healthier way to make decisions
Sheri called guilt a “worthless emotion” — not because it isn’t real, but because it can push caregivers into resentment.
A practical question to ask:
· “Would I regret this decision?”
If you’d do it again (even though you feel guilty), it may be guilt — and guilt is about your feelings, not what’s best for your loved one.
If you truly regret it, regret can teach you what to change next.
What to ask the doctor about dementia (and why a baseline matters)
Sheri shared that many doctors receive limited dementia education. One practical step:
· Get a baseline memory screen around age 55 if possible.
Then, if changes show up later, you have something to compare.
For diagnosed dementia, consider asking about:
· Driving safety
· Medication management support
· Home care needs
Sometimes hearing it from an “authority figure” helps — but you’ll still need communication tools at home.
Final encouragement
If you’re caring for someone with dementia and you feel exhausted, you’re not alone. Dementia care is a marathon, not a sprint — and you deserve support, too.
If you want help building a plan, improving communication, or figuring out what your loved one’s behavior might be trying to say, reach out to a qualified dementia care professional.
Thank you for spending time with us this week. We’re so glad to be part of your journey in caring for your aging loved ones. It’s an honor to share resources, insights, and a little encouragement to support you along the way. We look forward to bringing you more helpful tools and compassionate guidance in the weeks ahead. See you back here soon!
With care,
Pam and Linda
Your Nurse Advocates
“Compassionate Care for Aging Adults Along With Peace of Mind for the Family”
About Our Company
Your Nurse Advocate Consulting, LLC is dedicated to reducing stress and uncertainty for families caring for aging loved ones. Founded by two board-certified patient advocates with over 80 years of combined nursing experience, we provide independent, personalized support to help adult children and their parents navigate complex healthcare decisions.
From virtual consulting and care planning to ongoing advocacy and education, our mission is to empower families with the knowledge, resources, and confidence they need to keep loved ones safe and thriving at home or find the right senior living community. We’re proud to serve clients across the Midwest and beyond, offering compassionate guidance, practical solutions, and a true partnership in care.
Resources
The Dementia FAQ and Practical Guide-A free guide and tool kit.
National Institute on Aging Resources:
- https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/alzheimers-and-dementia/frequently-asked-questions-about-alzheimers-disease
- https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/alzheimers-and-dementia/alzheimers-disease-fact-sheet
- https://order.nia.nih.gov/publication/reducing-your-risk-of-dementia
Medical Disclaimer
The information provided in our emails and all forms of content including but not limited to podcasts, blog posts, videos, or social media posts are for informational purposes only and is not intended to substitute professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or care plan. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking medical care because of something you have read here. Your health and well-being are our top priority.
