As our parents get older, it can be challenging to start conversations about their future healthcare needs. These discussions may be uncomfortable, but having a plan in place can give everyone peace of mind. Advance Life Planning for Healthcare is just as important as financial retirement planning and estate planning during the golden years. It may be difficult to bring up the subject at first, but with the right approach, it can be a positive experience for everyone involved.
As our parents age, it’s important to have conversations about their health and healthcare needs. However, it’s not always an easy topic to broach. Many of us put off these conversations out of fear of upsetting our loved ones or because we don’t want to think about the possibility of losing them. We don’t want to cause any undue stress either. This can lead to missed opportunities. In this blog post, we’ll discuss why it’s so difficult to talk about health and changes that may occur as we age, as well as ways to effectively start the conversation with our aging parents to remove some of their responsibilities and not become a burden.
1. Recognize the Barriers
One of the first steps in starting the conversation is to understand the barriers that may prevent your aging parents from wanting to have that conversation. Some common barriers may include fear, denial, or a lack of knowledge about what the future holds. There may also be cultural or generational differences that make the subject taboo. Recognizing these potential barriers can help you approach the conversation with more empathy and understanding.
It’s also important to address any cultural or societal barriers that may be present. In some cultures, it’s seen as disrespectful or taboo to discuss aging and end of life care. However, avoiding these conversations can ultimately do more harm than good. It’s important to approach these conversations in a culturally sensitive and respectful manner, while emphasizing the importance of planning for the future.
Why is it so difficult to talk about health and changes that may occur as we age? For many, the fear of upsetting their parents or being shut down can be overwhelming. Additionally, some people have been taught that discussing health concerns is taboo or inappropriate. Nevertheless, talking about healthcare needs is crucial to ensure that our aging parents receive the best possible care. One way to start the conversation is to approach the topic from a place of empathy and understanding. Acknowledge that it may be a difficult or uncomfortable conversation, but that it’s an important one. Consider using “I” statements to express concerns and avoid placing blame or coming across as accusatory.
It is important to remember that they are still your parents. They may struggle with the thought of having to rely on you in any way, shape or form. A good approach may be to just be honest and say that “we want to talk about these things because we are afraid of making the wrong decisions or not knowing the way you would want something done.”
On the other hand, this may be a difficult conversation if your aging parents are expecting you to take care of them and you have to discuss the reality of the situation and how you have your own family and home responsibilities as well. This conversation will need to have their decisions known and plans in place so that boundaries can be set ahead of time. This may be a good time to elicit the help of a professional. A patient advocate can mediate with family members to have these difficult discussions as well as assist in providing ideas for plan and identifying resources to make everyone’s life easier as the golden years continue and healthcare or living arrangements need to change.
However, consider this: A conversation about healthcare planning can bring families closer together. It can let the aging parent know that their family desires to provide the best possible care solution for them.
Another obstacle may be that some parents may be unenthusiastic about engaging in advanced life planning conversations. They may believe that these kinds of conversations, like funeral planning, are taboo subjects. In this case, being empathetic and understanding can make a significant difference. Once again, explain that the decisions made will ensure that their wishes and desires are made known and the burden of making the wrong decision is taken away from the other family members.
Another barrier to having the conversation is the fear of losing autonomy. Many older adults fear losing their independence and control over their lives. Be respectful of this fear and emphasize that the goal of these conversations is to ensure that they remain in control of their healthcare decisions and receive the best possible care. Stress that having these conversations will remove some of the burden from them and will help in planning for their future. If an unexpected health challenge occurs, they can rest assured their wishes and decisions are known and communicated with others.
2. Plan the Conversation and Start the Conversation Early:
It’s common for adult children to postpone starting discussions with their aging parents about healthcare needs. But beginning conversations early can prepare everyone for potential challenges and provide time to explore options. That’s the thing about healthcare emergencies is that you don’t know when to expect them. As we age, the odds increase.
One way to approach the conversation is by beginning with some questions. Rather than jumping right into the topic of healthcare, consider asking more general questions like “How do you feel about aging?” or “What worries you most about the future or getting older?” Once everyone is more comfortable, you can gradually move towards talking more specifically about healthcare needs.
When you’re ready to start the conversation, it’s essential to have a plan in place. Choose a time when your parents are relaxed and not distracted and try to create an environment that is supportive and non-judgmental. Begin by listening to your parents’ concerns and fears and share your own. Show that you care about their well-being and want to help them plan for their future. We all want what is best for our parents.
Avoid coming across as demanding or imposing your opinions on their decisions. Instead, allow them to lead the conversation, and listen actively and without judgment. It can also be helpful to include other family members in the conversation to encourage open communication and to ensure that everyone is on the same page. It is important to remember that the decisions are theirs. You may or may not agree with their choices, but the choice is ultimately theirs and we need to abide by them. The quickest way to shut down this conversation is to tell them “No, you can’t do that, or “We don’t think that’s a good idea, you need to do it this way,” or we’d like you to do this vs. that.”
3. Consider Options
Once you’ve started the conversation, it’s important to consider the options available to support your aging parents. Understanding their wishes and preferences in advance will help you identify any necessary health measures or treatments they may need in the future. You may also want to consider a power of attorney or other legal options to help protect your parents’ rights and ensure their wishes are respected. You can get a free checklist HERE on all the decisions that need to be considered in advance life planning.
Once you’ve begun the conversation, it’s time to explore potential healthcare options and what your parents would prefer. Some people may wish to remain at home as they age, while others may be more comfortable in a nursing home or assisted living facility. It’s essential to be aware of the differing healthcare needs amongst aging people and to take that into account while exploring options. A patient advocate may be a good choice to assist you in identifying the needs and resources needed to abide by the choices they make. For the “Do It Yourself” family we have a course designed to complete on your own and at your own pace that will cover identifying the 4 areas of needs and how to identify the corresponding resources to start your plan. You can learn more about the course HERE.
Also, it’s important not to jump to conclusions, involve everyone in the conversation and to explore as many options as possible. Each person is different, and unique solutions to healthcare challenges should be tailored that way.
4. Respect Boundaries
As you embark on these conversations, it’s essential to respect your parents’ boundaries. Some parents may be resistant to discussing their healthcare needs or may not want to accept help. Respect their wishes, but also make it clear that you want to help them. If your parents do not want to talk about certain subjects, try to find ways to approach those topics with a more supportive and collaborative tone.
Listen actively: When starting any conversation with aging parents, it’s essential to listen to their opinions and concerns actively. It’s crucial to acknowledge that these conversations may be uncomfortable for them, and emotions might play a significant role in the discussion. Active listening entails being fully present in the moment, hearing your loved one’s words, and acknowledging their feelings.
Moreover, active listening means engaging with what they are saying by creating a safe, compassionate, and non-judgmental conversation. When the conversation flows with empathy and compassion, it becomes easier to explore solutions to potential healthcare challenges. This will break down the communication barriers and make the conversation more comfortable for everyone.
5. Seek Support
Finally, remember that you’re not alone on this journey. There are support groups, forums, and professionals who can help guide you through the advanced healthcare planning process. Speak with medical professionals, elder care professionals, and family members to identify resources that can help you navigate this challenging time. Hospital or Clinic social workers are great resources as well as the Aging or Senior Office in your county for resources in your area.
We have many free resources for you to help you along this journey of helping to manage your aging parents’ golden years. We have a free community forum “Speaking out on the Care of your aging Parent”, we have a YouTube channel with all sorts of videos, and a weekly newsletter along with our social media platforms that share tips and strategies daily. To join our newsletter we will send you our checklist “11 Signs Your Aging Parent May Need Help in the Home.” See the list of corresponding blog posts under resources that talk about other difficult conversations with your aging parents.
Conclusion:
Starting conversations about aging parents’ healthcare needs may be challenging, but it’s an important step in ensuring they receive the care they need. Remember to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, recognize any barriers that may be present, and plan the discussion accordingly. There are resources and professionals available to support you and your family during this time, and with the right approach, you can have a positive and productive conversation that benefits everyone involved.
It’s important to approach these conversations with empathy and understanding, to acknowledge any fears or concerns about losing autonomy, and to be culturally sensitive when appropriate. By having these conversations, you can remove some of the burden from your aging parents and ensure that they receive the best possible care. Don’t wait until it’s too late to have these important conversations – start the conversation today. Starting the conversation may be difficult, but productive conversations relieve caregivers, empower the aging adults and provide peace of mind to everyone involved.
Thanks for stopping by and spending a few minutes of your time with us. We hope you have gained some insights and gathered a few nuggets of wisdom with this post. We hope to see you back her soon!
Take care,
Pam and Linda
Your Nurse Advocates
Your Nurse Advocate Consulting
Resources
Take the 5 Question Quiz on “How Prepared Are Your For Advanced Planning for Healthcare?
Understanding the Terminology of Senior Care
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/call/201706/talking-your-parent-about-aging-and-death
