Caring for aging parents is, arguably, one of the most challenging experiences we can go through as adults. But caring for aging parents is also a natural part of life. When siblings come together to care for an aging parent, it can be a beautiful thing. Each sibling brings unique experiences and perspectives to the table, and together they can provide love, support, and resources to ensure their parent’s needs are met. It becomes even more complicated when siblings have to come together to care for an aging parent but are unable to agree on what the care should look like. This can be such a challenging situation that we have created an online course to help families cope and work through making the caregiving experience a bit easier for everyone.

What happens when siblings can’t agree on what that care should look like? Conflicting opinions, values, and priorities can create tension and discord among siblings, making the caregiving process challenging and overwhelming. Any type of conflict can add to the stress of an already overwhelming situation. It’s important to remember that disagreement and differences of opinion are normal.

As a caregiver, it is important to recognize the delicate nature of this situation. In this blog post, we will explore this difficult situation and provide tips for navigating conflicting wishes and choices. We understand how tough this can be, which is why we’re here to offer empathy, information, and compassion.

The most important thing that can eliminate much of the conflict is to have your parent(s) wishes in writing. This can be in the form of a Living Will, Advance Directive, or Power of Attorney for Healthcare. What do your parents want? That is the key. We all have our own opinions based on our own experiences and bias; however, we can’t let our opinions get in the way of what our parents want. We may not agree with what they choose but we do have to honor their wishes. We owe them that much regardless of how we feel.

Linda and I both are caring for aging parents. Linda is one of 6 siblings, and I am one of 5. With Linda and I being nurses a lot of the medical issues fall on our shoulders. Linda has 1 brother and I have 2. I live 4 hours from my mom and Linda has 2 sisters that live out of state and one that lives part-time in Italy.  We hope to share our personal as well as our professional experiences to help you get a handle on making this work.

• Communicate.

Each sibling would naturally have a unique perspective on what choices should be made, based on their life experiences, their past experience of caring for their parents (if any), and their current life circumstance. When we can acknowledge these unique differences without judgment, we can go forward with more understanding and empathy. It’s essential to allow each sibling to have their say and to listen without judgment. It’s important to remember that everyone involved wants what is best for the parent.

Communication is key, especially when siblings live out of town. You may need to schedule regular phone calls or video chats to ensure everyone is on the same page. You can also use technology to share important information, such as medication schedules, doctor appointments or other important updates.

We have regular zoom meetings to help manage my mom’s care.  At the end of the meeting each sibling has their task to work on until the next zoom is scheduled. The expectation is to have their task completed by the next meeting and then we move on to other things at hand.

Everyone has access to mom’s online patient portal called “My Chart.” We can all see her test results, doctor’s notes, etc. No one is left out because they can check on this any time they want.

• Recognize the Differences.

First and foremost, it’s essential for siblings to understand that they must share the responsibility of caring for their aging parents. No one sibling should be solely responsible for managing their parent’s care. This is a team effort, and every sibling must be willing to contribute to the best of their ability. It’s also important to recognize that each sibling has different strengths, limitations, and availability when it comes to providing care. Some may have more time, financial resources, or medical expertise than others, while some may live far away. Understanding these differences and working collaboratively to divide responsibilities based on each sibling’s abilities is key.

Each sibling has their own “zone of genius.” We spend a bit of time in our course talking about how each sibling is different based on age, birth order, experiences, relationship with their parents, and much more. Understanding all of these variables helps each sibling to understand each other better and where they are coming from.

• Divide the Load.

One of the biggest challenges that siblings face when caring for aging parents is deciding who will do what tasks. This is where communication and cooperation become critical. It’s important to have open, honest conversations about each sibling’s strengths, schedules, and limitations. No one wants to feel overwhelmed or burdened by caregiving responsibilities, but everyone wants to feel like they are contributing in a meaningful way. Delegating tasks based on each sibling’s preferences can lead to a more equitable and collaborative caregiving experience.

Divvying up specific caregiving tasks depending on each sibling’s availability, preferences, and skills is crucial. It’s important to understand that one sibling may not be physically or emotionally capable of doing certain tasks, like providing personal care or moving an immobile parent. It’s essential to have an open and honest conversation about these roles and how they can be shared evenly. A sibling’s checklist can be an excellent tool to divide the tasks and responsibilities, so everyone is on board, and no one feels overburdened.

In our family my youngest brother is a carpenter, and my son and son-in-law are in plumbing. They are asked to manage any of the home repairs and upkeep. My youngest sister is a nurse practitioner, and she manages the medical appointments and contacts with the doctor. We take turns providing meals, and with me out of town I have meals ordered and delivered or I send her meals from the Schwan’s man. If you have a Chef for Seniors in your area, we highly recommend them for a great experience to have a chef come in and prepare your parents a meal right in their home. This can be for a special occasion or on a routine basis.

My other sister and brother share arranging for snow removal, landscaping, driving to doctor’s appointments, and whatever needs to be done. As the out-of-town child I and a nurse I handle all of her insurance, Medicare and her medical equipment and supplies she needs. As our mom ages, her needs will change, and we will have to adjust our responsibilities.

• Out of Town Siblings

If some siblings live out of town, they can still contribute to the care of their aging parents in meaningful ways. They can participate in care planning meetings via video conferencing, coordinate medical care, pay bills, research facilities/caregivers, and scheduling appointments or even arrange for home modifications. They can also check-in regularly with the primary caregiver and their parent via phone or email to stay up to date on their health and well-being. Even small gestures like sending gifts or cards can help bridge the distance and remind their parents that they are loved and cared for and show the other siblings they are doing what they can while living away. A great way for an out-of-town child to get involved is with routine check-in calls to see how their parents are doing and can report to the other siblings.

• Conflict.

Conflict between siblings arises because of differing opinions. But it’s crucial to understand the root cause of the disagreement. Is it related to the parents’ health, their financials, or the division of labor? Once the root cause is identified, try and work towards common ground by discussing possible solutions and compromises. It’s also important to evaluate if any of the siblings are being unreasonable or making unreasonable demands. If the situation gets too overwhelming, it’s always acceptable to reach out for support from a mediator, a therapist, or even an impartial family friend.

Linda is living this situation as we speak. Her mom is not doing well and does not have any wishes in writing. One sister is not on the same page as the rest of the family and routinely has conversations with their mom on what she should or should not do.  This is making it very difficult to arrange the best treatment plan and interferes with the management of her chronic illness. We cannot stress the importance enough of getting your aging parents to put their wishes in writing because at the end of the day, it is what they want that matters.

Conclusion:

Caring for aging parents is challenging and emotional. It can bring siblings together, but it can also create tension and conflict. But when siblings come together and work as a team, it can be a beautiful thing. It requires open, honest communication, empathy, and understanding. Siblings can start by acknowledging that different choices and opinions are natural, and working to find solutions and compromises that meet each other’s needs. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help from a mediator, therapist or a nurse advocate if the situation gets too overwhelming. But through it all, stay focused on the love and care you all have for your parents and each other.

With our sibling’s checklist, siblings can navigate the complexities of caring for their aging parents and ensure that their parent receives the love and support they deserve. This checklist includes essential tasks and considerations for managing their parent’s care, including legal and financial planning, medical care, transportation, and social activities. Using this checklist, siblings can divide responsibilities and ensure that all of their parent’s needs are being met. This can lead to a more organized and streamlined caregiving experience, reducing tension and conflict among siblings. Remember that we’re here to help, and we understand firsthand how challenging this can be. Let’s work together to make this process as smooth and peaceful as possible.

We hope this blog post has brought some understanding and clarity to your situation. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for our free 30-minute discovery call and we can then further understand your unique situation and offer some tips and action items to help.  You can schedule your call with Pam or Linda HERE. We have some great free resources available and will list them in the resource section of this blog post.

Take care and thanks for taking time to stop by. We hope to see you back here soon. Don’t hesitate to drop us a comment below.

Pam and Linda

Your Nurse Advocates

Resources:

Wait List for Complete Guide to Sibling’s Caring for an Aging Parent Course

Senior Saturday Free Weekly Newsletter

Free Course-Understanding the ABC of Senior Care Terminology

Free Weekly Newsletter Senior Saturday

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/how-share-caregiving-responsibilities-family-members

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/how-share-caregiving-responsibilities-family-members#support